Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
