if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
