I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
