i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think your dad took our porno
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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