she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
