He had one of those small greek statue penises
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
