there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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