I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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