The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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