I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
