Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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