Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
