What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.