I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
