Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Damn victory sex feels great
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
