she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
