Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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