went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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