dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
