My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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