and she was petting her beer can
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
