I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
