well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
