i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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