I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
