If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
