I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
