We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Houston, we have a squirter
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I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
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This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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