On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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