I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
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I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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