I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
