I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am spending my child support on dildos
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
