Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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