is your mom at the bar?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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