All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I didn't shave. On purpose
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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