I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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