Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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