Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
