sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
