we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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