It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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