my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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