It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
