dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
