im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
