I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like heaven, but drunker
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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