just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
