Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
