Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...