the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
