Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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